


Messages Not Sent

by Saremina



Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Angst, Happy Ending, M/M, Post-Season/Series Finale
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-24
Updated: 2019-07-24
Packaged: 2020-07-17 23:18:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,644
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19964878
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Saremina/pseuds/Saremina
Summary: A series of messages Julian writes to Garak over the course of a year and the aftermath of a system malfunction that changed that.





	Messages Not Sent

**Author's Note:**

> A friend requested this in exchange for a month's worth of cat food yesterday. This might be the fastest 3k+ "commission" I've ever written, and I had a lot of fun trying out this format. Canon is applied a bit loosely since this took a day to complete and I haven't watched the series finale in a while (a travesty, I know, one that I intend to remedy as soon as possible).

**From:** Julian Bashir

 **To:** Garak

 **Date:** 52966.81

 **Subject:** Hello

How are you? How is Cardassia doing? Things getting any better there?

_(message not sent)_

**From:** Julian Bashir

 **To:** Garak

 **Date:** 52994.16

 **Subject:** Hi

Things here in Deeps Space Nine are well, now that the dust has settled. Work keeps me busy, though I do sometimes miss our lunches.

How are you?

_(message not sent)_

**From:** Julian Bashir

 **To:** Garak

 **Date:** 53036.89

 **Subject:** How are you?

I hope you’re doing well.

_(message not sent)_

**From:** Julian Bashir

 **To:** Garak

 **Date:** 53077.23

 **Subject:** _(untitled)_

I miss you.

_(message not sent)_

**From:** Julian Bashir

 **To:** Garak

 **Date:** 53100.1

 **Subject:** It’s funny

I never thought I’d be this lonely without you. It’s weird, isn’t it? But there it is: I miss you and I’m lonely without you.

_(message not sent)_

**From:** Julian Bashir

 **To:** Garak

 **Date:** 53163.16

 **Subject:** _(untitled)_

I wish you were here with me.

_(message not sent)_

**From:** Julian Bashir

 **To:** Garak

 **Date:** 53205.06

 **Subject:** I read a book I thought you’d like

Murder On the Orient Express, to be precise. I was so ready to talk to you about it until I remembered we don’t do that anymore. Why don’t we do that anymore?

_(message not sent)_

**From:** Julian Bashir

 **To:** Garak

 **Date:** 53267.79

 **Subject:** An Idea

I’m thinking about transferring to Cardassia. I could find you and surprise you. We could get lunch and talk about books and other things and you would be your enigmatic, infuriating self, and maybe I wouldn’t feel so hollow when I’m alone.

_(message not sent)_

**From:** Julian Bashir

 **To:** Garak

 **Date:** 53324.26

 **Subject:** A confession

I’ve come to the conclusion that I do in fact love you. I wish I’d realized it before I lost you.

_(message not sent)_

**From:** Julian Bashir

 **To:** Garak

 **Date:** 53328.47

 **Subject:** Correction

I didn’t lose you. I walked away and didn’t try to come back. I panicked. I thought ‘going to Cardassia and seeing Garak every day?’ and I got excited and terrified and it got to be a bit too much. It would have been different than being on the station. It would have meant something and I wasn’t ready for it.

I think I might be ready now, but I don’t think you want it.

Did you ever want it?

_(message not sent)_

**From:** Julian Bashir

 **To:** Garak

 **Date:** 53348.8

 **Subject:** Another confession

You said the only thing you had to look forward to was having lunch with me. I wanted to tell you that most days, that was the thing I looked forward to the most too. I miss our lunches. I miss you. I miss us. We were amazing, weren’t we? I wish I’d told you how I felt sooner. I wish I’d admitted it to myself sooner. But

You

Did you

Do you

I love you, Garak.

_(message not sent)_

**From:** Julian Bashir

 **To:** Garak

 **Date:** 53415.14

 **Subject:** Can you die of loneliness?

It’d definitely be an effective torture method. But you already knew that, didn’t you?

_(message not sent)_

**From:** Julian Bashir

 **To:** Garak

 **Date:** 53514.38

 **Subject:** I was thinking about you today

I wonder if you ever think about me.

Probably not.

_(message not sent)_

**From:** Julian Bashir

 **To:** Garak

 **Date:** 53534.61

 **Subject:** Update on Deep Space Nine

There was an accident on the Promenade today. Kept me busy for hours. It reminded me of the old times, in a way. It wasn’t nice, but I felt more like myself.

_(message not sent)_

**From:** Julian Bashir

 **To:** Garak

 **Date:** 53549.82

 **Subject:** Can I ask something?

Do you ever get tired? Just tired. I think it’s the monotony of everything, after the chaos of the war. It’s a difficult to adjust to.

I imagine Cardassia isn’t like that. Not that it’s a good thing, what with everything that went down, but... I don’t know what I’m trying to say.

_(message not sent)_

**From:** Julian Bashir

 **To:** Garak

 **Date:** 53585.05

 **Subject:** Socializing is tiring

Did you know you are one of the few people I felt normal around? I could never keep up with you, no matter how smart I am. It was so... refreshing. I miss it. People around me now can be dull, to put it bluntly. Not that I don’t enjoy their company, I do, but I’m not sure how I’m supposed to go back to talking to them when I’ve talked to you.

_(message not sent)_

**From:** Julian Bashir

 **To:** Garak

 **Date:** 53627.56

 **Subject:** Went to Bajor today

It was good to be in sunlight again. Maybe I should vacation on a planet; I have enough vacation time saved up for it.

_(message not sent)_

**From:** Julian Bashir

 **To:** Garak

 **Date:** 53693.52

 **Subject:** Merry Christmas!

I know you don’t celebrate it, but I’ve thought about what I’d get you if you were here. Hideous fabrics or a book you’d pretend to hate just so that we could argue about it.

If you were here we could go to the party and get drunk on eggnog while someone runs around with a mistletoe. Do you think it would have been fun?

_(message not sent)_

**From:** Julian Bashir

 **To:** Garak

 **Date:** 53711.95

 **Subject:** New year is here

I should be getting to work, but I’ve barely slept and I’m tired and hungover. That, at least I can do something about.

Missing you on the other hand...

_(message not sent)_

**From:** Julian Bashir

 **To:** Garak

 **Date:** 53748.43

 **Subject:** I went on a date today

Just to try it out. I think she had worse time than I did. I just... she was fun and amazing, but she wasn’t what I need. She wasn’t you. I don’t think there’s anyone like you in the universe.

I’m okay with that; I’d rather miss you and be by myself than be with someone I don’t feel a real connection to.

_(message not sent)_

**From:** Julian Bashir

 **To:** Garak

 **Date:** 53823.83

 **Subject:** It’s been a year since we last spoke

I’m at Quark’s. He’s still here. Kira’s still here too. We’re getting drinks.

_(message not sent)_

**From:** Julian Bashir

 **To:** Garak

 **Date:** 53824.69

 **Subject:** Missed you at Quark’s

I just missed you. And I’m trying really hard not to drunk comm. you because you know what I realized? If you’d want to talk to me you would have already gotten in touch with me. So I’m just drunk and pining and it’s pitiful. I should stop.

I need to stop.

I can’t... I miss your clever opinions on books and that stupid smile of yours.

And I still love you.

And I’m going to stop writing these messages because they do nothing but hurt me and keep me from moving forward with my life. If I was a braver man I’d sent you a hello but I’m not. I’m not. I’m sorry about that. I’m not a mysterious spy or a dashing hero. I’m just a doctor who realized he’d let the one person he’d loved and felt equal with slip from his grasp too late.

So goodbye Garak. I love you, and I wish I was brave enough to tell you that.

Julian

_(message not sent)_

* * *

Julian woke up to the sound of his comm. going off. He groaned, pushed himself up, and blinked blearily at the darkened room. His mouth tasted like death and his head felt worse, and when he stood the room swayed dangerously. He was going to throw up.

Barely managing to answer the comm., Julian stumbled towards the bathroom. “What?”

“We had a pretty big system malfunction last night,” O’Brien informed him.

Deciding he didn’t have time to throw up, Julian settled for washing his face and groaning at the sweet coolness of the water. “I’ll be there in a moment.”

“Nah. It’s just a comm. malfunction. No one’s hurt, though that might soon chance.”

“What do you mean?” Julian studied the black bags under his eyes. He really should have forgone the last three rounds. Or the entire night.

O’Brien was quiet for a second too long. “Well... you see... all unsent, saved messages got sent last night. So there’s going to be a lot of angry people going after other angry people, I imagine. I mean, what kind of messages do _you_ have saved?”

All color drained from Julian’s face. _Oh no._

“Please tell me you didn’t have anything saved.” O’Brien sounded defeated.

“I have to go.” Julian shut the comm. line off and rushed to his terminal, frantically pulling up his saved messages, begging he had been spared form the malfunction just by being a member of the senior staff.

But his draft file was horribly empty. Julian stared at the screen, willing the messages to come back. This was... what had he saved there?

Slowly, Julian opened a comm. line, his unblinking eyes still fixed on the blank screen.

“Ops,” Kira’s voice responded.

“Kira? How bad is the situation with the comms? Did the messages actually go out? Because if that is the case I might need your help shooting myself out of an airlock.”

To Julian’s horror, Kira laughed. “Did you have a love letter saved that got sent out or something? I’ve already heard of one case.”

Yes, technically Julian had saved a message that contained a confession of love, but those messages were never meant to be seen by anyone. Least of all...

“I really could use your help.”

“Julian. I’m not going to shoot you out of an airlock. You are going to do your job, and I’ll do mine, and afterwards, we can get drunk and tell each other what horrible secrets got released to the world, okay?”

“Okay,” Julian agreed, but only because Kira sounded like it was what she needed from him. Perhaps she had experienced a message catastrophe as well, though Julian doubted anyone else was going through the horror he was; no one else had (hopefully) saved messages to a former member of the Obsidian Order who they had not talked to in over a year.

Julian was going to die. Garak wouldn’t even need to politely dismiss his affections; Julian would die of shame before that happened.

Still, Julian gathered the shreds of his dignity and went on with his day as if nothing had happened. If he was lucky Garak would have the decency to pretend the messages were never sent. If Julian was going to be on the receiving end of a miracle, Garak would never get the messages since he’d changed his comm. link or something. Perhaps there was too much distance between Deep Space Nine and Cardassia for the messages to reach Garak?

Julian could hope. He didn’t need Garak becoming aware of... things. Least of all the depression Julian has tried so hard not to sink into as things had quieted down and the reality of what they had all been through had sunk in. Other people had it worse, Julian told himself, and they needed him at his best. He needed to be Doctor Bashir, the immovable rock in the sea of turmoil the people of Deep Space Nine were adrift in.

People relied on him, and Julian was not going to let them down. He could worry about himself later.

As the day went on, Julian almost forgot about the messages. His terminal pinged with incoming messages several times, and though his heart always stopped for a second, the messages were never from Garak. Julian was safe.

If Garak had gotten the messages, he would have answered already. Or he has decided to ignore Julian. Either way, if Julian was going to hear from Garak, it would have happened by then.

Evening came and Julian got a drink with O’Brien and Kira, and his inbox remained blessedly message free. By morning, Julian had convinced himself that he had dodged the proverbial bullet. Still, he kept to his promise and did not write another message to Garak.

Even though he wanted to. He wanted to apologize to the litany of increasingly desperate messages the malfunction might have sent Garak — he wanted to explain himself. But since Garak had not made any attempt at contacting him... what if he wanted nothing to do with Julian? What if he had read the messages and pitied Julian? Or he was disappointed at the sincerity of Julian’s confessions, at the lack of subtlety?

Julian had not made attempts to hide anything, and surely Garak would have found subtlety and hidden meaning in words more interesting than what Julian had gone with: pouring his heart out.

Another day passed, and though a part of Julian — a small, traitorous part — grew sad at the lack of contact from Garak, a bigger part of Julian relaxed. He might have been ready to write his feelings down, but he was not ready for Garak to hear them.

That was why after two weeks had passed, Julian had more or less managed to wipe the message fiasco from his mind. His focus was on the sample before him, the readings fascinating — a puzzle for Julian to solve.

“I do hope I’m not disturbing you.”

Julian started, banging his head on the edge of the cabinet above him and his hand on the counter. He ignored the pain in favor of swirling around, grasping the edge of the counter to keep himself from falling, his unblinking eyes wide as plates. It was impossible for Julian to believe his eyes.

 _Garak_ was there, in Julian’s infirmary, smiling that unassuming smile of his.

Julian couldn’t make a sound. He should be saying something, anything. But he couldn’t. He was too busy trying to wrap his mind around the fact that _Garak was right there_.

Garak’s smile shifted, minutely, almost nonexistently, and Julian swallowed. He knew exactly what Julian was going through. He had most likely planned it all along. “I was hoping you’d have some time to spare,” Garak said, feigning innocence. with ease

Too stunned to speak, Julian settled for nodding. Garak’s smile widened. “Oh, good. It has been quite some time since we had a chance to catch up, hasn’t it?”

Julian nodded again. He really should say something. Julian did his best to straighten up, and cleared his throat. “You’re... here? You’re here. Why?”

Despite Julian’s less than eloquent way of talking, Garak was delighted. “You haven’t heard? The Federation has kindly offered to assist us with a minor illness spreading among our people. It’s nothing to worry about, but you know how the Federation is: they want to play the hero.”

Reading between the lines, Julian deduced that the illness was in fact a problem, and the Cardassians were taking no chances with it. “So you’re here to...”

“To help make the right decision on who is best suited to assist us with the issue. Mind you, none of the candidates thus far have shown any promise; they lack the necessary intelligence they’d need to even order food on Cardassia.”

Though Julian knew that tone — he affectionately called it Garak’s I-want-something-from-you-but-I’m-too-stubborn-to-ask voice — he didn’t dare to hope. “Perhaps I can help you choose?”

Garak cocked his head, just a little. “Thank you.” Julian should have offered to take the assignment himself; the tiny shift in Garak’s expression tells him that much. Julian was just going to have to play along and play hard to get, he supposed.

Did he even want to go to Cardassia Prime?

Garak shifted, clasped his hands together, and looked around Julian’s corner of the infirmary. “We should get lunch.”

“Yes,” Julian agreed quickly. Walking would help him get his bearings back. “Lunch sounds good. Let me finish this up first?”

“Of course.” Garak bowed his head. “I do look forward to hearing your needlessly defensive arguments about... what was that book you mentioned?”

 _Oh no._ Julian was frozen to the spot, ice running through his veins.

“The Agatha Christie one?”

 _No._ That was the book Julian had mentioned in his messages. _Oh no, no no no! This is not happening._ Garak got the messages. Garak got the messages and came all the way to Deep Space Nine to ask Julian — in his own way — to come to Cardassia and to let him know the messages had been received.

And Garak was having way too much fun watching Julian panic over the realization. It was truly, quite unfair.

Julian drew a deep breath. “I hoped —“

Garak raised an eyeridge. Julian averted his eyes. “There was a system malfunction,” he muttered. Garak’s eyeridge only rose higher.

“Is that so?”

Julian’s cheeks heated up. “It’s just that — I didn’t —” he rubbed his eyes, rethinking his words over.

“Should I leave?”

“No!” Julian pushed himself off the counter. “No. I just... didn’t think you’d, well. I’m glad you’re here.” The last part was easy to say.

If Garak was the type to visibly relax, Julian imagined he would be doing so now. As it is, he merely stood slightly more at ease. “So. Lunch?”

“Yes,” Julian breathed. Yes, he could do lunch, he has missed having lunch with Garak. Lunch would be perfect. If Julian ignored the high possibility that Garak will tease him about the messages the whole time. In public.

Garak smiled again, stepping closer to Julian. “Good. I do look forward to hearing you try to defend this book of yours.”

“How can you find anything wrong with Agatha Christie? I’d think you’d like her!”

“My enjoyment of the story has little to do with the faults in it,” Garak replied, taking another step closer to Julian. “And besides, it would hardly be interesting if I didn’t point them all out to you.”

Julian sighed. “A year of not talking, and you want to argue about a book you didn’t even hate that much.”

“Yes.” The sincerity in Garak’s voice and expression were almost endearing, and if they haven’t been apart for so long Julian might have rolled with it. As it is — after the messages — he’d hoped for... something else.

Something must show on Julian’s face, as Garak slowly allowed his smile to fade, pinching his lips for a second. “Really, my dear doctor, must I spell it out for you?”

“Spell what out?”

Garak drew in a slow, steady breath — the only sign of his exasperation. “Do you recall the incident with the Chief and a certain Cardassian scientist?”

“Yes, they —” _oh._ Julian should have seen it sooner. He faced Garak, looking at him with the new realization in mind. He noticed the soft warmth Garak always seemed to have to him when he looked at Julian, but was absent for everyone else, and he wasn’t sure why he never saw it before. Was it always there? Yes. It must have been; it was too familiar to be new. Had Julian simply ignored it before?

“You’re not quite so dense as you look. I was getting worried for a moment,” Garak said, far too happy.

Usually Julian would get irritated, but the thought _Cardassians flirt by arguing_ was flashing in his brain with bright neon colors and a dozen arrows pointed at it. He smiled, relaxing. “Well, you haven’t been here to keep me on my toes.”

“A poor defense, but I’ll let it go for now.” Garak’s lips quirked. He was close enough for Julian to touch him, if he wanted to.

Julian huffed a laugh and glanced at the sample still under the microscope. “I’ll finish this quickly; we’ll get lunch afterwards.”

Garak bowed his head, staying close to Julian.

Shaking his head, Julian returns his attention on the sample. “Why did you come all the way here? And don’t say it’s just because of some Cardassian Federation cooperation attempt.”

“Do I need another reason?” Garak was silent for so long Julian expected him to not continue. “You didn’t seem well,” he eventually admitted, his voice so quiet Julian almost missed the unusually honest confession from Garak.

Julian’s head whipped to Garak, his eyes wide. _Garak_ of all people had come across space to check on him. Julian couldn’t help it; he bridged the little distance between them and kissed Garak, gasping softly against the dry coolness of Garak’s lips, pulling him closer. Garak’s hands found their way to Julian’s hips as he deepened the kiss, just for a moment, before pulling away.

Julian kept his eyes closed for a few seconds before opening them slowly, smiling at Garak, relishing in the soft smile he got in return. Julian stepped back reluctantly, and returned to his sample. “I can help you decide the best choice for who should help you with the illness.”

“That would be most appreciated,” Garak replied. He was still close enough for Julian to be aware of him.

“And if we can’t figure out who could fill the role, I suppose I could help you — until you find someone better suited, of course.”

“Of course.” The knowing amusement in Garak’s voice matched the smile on Julian’s lips.

With the sample dealt with, Julian returned his attention to Garak. “Shall we?”

Garak nodded, and they headed to the door side by side, closer to each other than they used to walk. For a moment it was like the old days, before the Dominion and the war and everything bad that had happened.

But Julian didn’t let himself believe that for too long since back then he couldn’t stand just a little too close to Garak and let their hands brush together, the fleeting contact lingering longer than necessary.

For the first time in a year, Julian wasn’t sure where he was heading, and the excitement it brought him pushed back the fog he’d fallen into. For now, he was going to enjoy it, and worry about the future later.

**Author's Note:**

> (watch me come back to this concept in a month or two with a 50k, more thought out fic even though I'm swearing I won't do that)
> 
> You can find me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/Saremina__) too!


End file.
